Blood Brothers

from wikipedia.com:

Blood Brothers: Refers to two or more men, not related by birth parents, who swear loyalty to one another. This is usually done in a ceremony where the blood of each man is mingled together. In simple terms, this is an extension of fraternization.

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"You know that your couch is a piece of crap when Goodwill won't even take it."

The Dashing Litigator sold his house. It is moving day and he has taken the day off from work to finish packing and meet with the movers. He has been calling me at the office as he boxes up the last remnants of his life in that house.

"The couch in the basement? What are you going to do with it, then?" I ask.

"Well," he says, "it won't fit out the side door with that new fence there, so I'm going to take my Louisville Slugger and just attack it - bash it to pieces, then have the movers put it in a dumpster. It actually might be quite therapeutic."

I laugh. "Ok, then. You knock yourself out!"

He and Duncan will now live in a two bedroom loft just one El stop south of my studio.

Over the weekend, we packed the easy stuff and loaded up the car: dishes, glassware, artwork, towels, sheets, cookware, etc. We made runs to Target for fluffy new towels and Menard's for colorful area rugs and bar stools. We had Duncan at day care for much of the weekend to keep him occupied and exercised and out of our way. This new place is gorgeous, with far too much space than my boys need. Duncan will even have his own bedroom complete with a new 'big boy bed' and various treats and toys stowed in the closet.

Sunday was our last night in the soon-to-be 'old house'. We ordered Chinese food, ate in the dining room surrounded by boxes - and sighed alot. And we talked about all the memories that were created under that roof. The spot where we had our first make-out session. The living room where we slow danced to Sinatra. The kitchen floor, where my Dashing Litigator slept by Duncan's crate on his first night home. The meals he cooked for me. That basement couch where I spent many an evening flanked by 'my boys' watching a movie in the dark. The cozy, familiar smells and sounds and routines that have nestled and nurtured our little threesome over this last year.

"It's a tad sad to leave here...but I'm ready for chapter two. Aren't you?", he asks.

I am indeed.
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I leave work that day and head directly to the Dashing Litigators new digs - stopping first at Trader Joes for a housewarming bottle of red and bouquet of flowers. He greets me looking a little worse for wear, but adorable. His face sports three days worth of scruff, his clothes are sweatstained, dusty and grungy and his hands look mangled and raw. The middle finger of his left hand is wrapped haphazardly in paper towel that has been bound gruffly with gray duct tape.

I pick up his hand and inspect the make-shift bandage. "What happened here?"

Apparently, while he was working out some aggression - smashing his couch to bits with a baseball bat and pulling off the upholstery, his hand came down on a small nail that punctured his middle finger fairly deeply.

"It bled like hell when I first did it, but it seems to have stopped now." I take a peek at the wound and after confirming that his Tetnus shots are up to date, make a mental note to clean and dress it properly for him later.

We hit the road to pick up Duncan and I can't wait to show him his new home. He is a little unsure at first, reluctant on his leash and splaying his paws as he fights crossing the threshold into the lobby. The elevator freaks him out even more, but when we finally get inside the loft, his curious and energetic nature return.

He sniffs around his bedroom, recognizing the familiar crate and blanket. He puts two brown paws on his new bed as though testing for firmness and notices the small stuffed 'bee' toy that I had bought him, complete with twisted rope-like legs for chewing. He picks up the toy and runs out the door with it, looking for his daddy, who is at the other end of the loft.

I hear the click click click of his nails on the wood and then my Dashing Litigator's voice, "Hi buddy...what's this? Oh...hey...you're bleeding. Carrie? I think he cut his paw on something. Oh, wow. He's really bleeding badly."

I come around the corner and see the trail of dark red splotches on the wood floor. The trail starts near a large black plastic garbage bag that is propped up against the island in the kitchen.

"Dammit", he says, "My glass decanter broke during the move and I put all the broken glass in this bag. I meant to take it out. He must've cut his paw on it."

I grab paper towel and press it to Duncan's rear right paw. Instantly it is soaked with blood. I drop the paper towel and look up at my dashing litigator. I am scared. We have a moment as our eyes meet and then in an instant he takes charge. He picks up our bleeding baby and his jaw is set. "Let's go. We're taking him in." I grab his wallet and we are out the door.

We are frantic as we place a very confused, yet very calm Duncan in the back seat and head off to the Animal Urgent Care center. The Dashing Litigator is upset and blaming himself for leaving the garbage bag in the kitchen. I can hardly blame him as he's had a tremendous amount on his plate this past week. He wonders if we should be putting pressure on Duncan's paw, and I agree, climbing into the back of the SUV to be with our boy. I grab a thin blanket and gingerly wrap it around his paw before squeezing it. Duncan not only complies, but rests his head in my lap. It's not long before the blanket is soaked. I split my time between comforting our dog and calming my boyfriend, who is banging the steering wheel and yelling at red lights - ordering them to turn green. We can't get there fast enough.

We do arrive and he carries our baby into the stark white flourescent lobby of the animal clinic. We are met by calm assitants who lead the three of us to a room. A trail of blood follows us. My Dashing Litigator's khaki pants are now a deep rust color, and I notice that my black and white flower printed skirt now has a few red flowers as well. After a bit we are led out of the room and told to wait in the lobby while they tend to our Duncan.

We are shell shocked. We lean on each other and fill the quiet by squeezing hands and rubbing thighs. In a few moments we learn that Duncan has a small, but deep cut that will need to be sutured, but that he will be ok.

We can breathe again. I am so proud of my Dashing Litigator and how quickly he assessed and took charge of the situation, and I tell him this. He corrects me, saying he is so proud of us and he is grateful for my calm demeanor. But it was his strength that allowed me to be calm. And we are struck by how deeply we love that furry brown guy. How much he has affected us and how terrible it would be if anything happened to him.

The doors open and we rush to greet our boy who is groggy in his Elizabethan collar, and sporting a bright purple bandage on his injured paw.

We bring him home and try and make him as comfortable as possible, nestling him into his bed in his new bedroom. And we clean up and get ourselves ready for bed in this new and strange place. I help wash and dress the Dashing Litigator’s deeply cut finger - both of my boys suffering injuries in this tumultuous move - a move to a new home that is ironically only a mile away from the old one.

My Dashing Litigator turns to me and says, “I know this isn’t the only crisis we’ll endure together, and when the time comes to face another one - there is no one I’d rather be with, than you. We’re a great team.”

Indeed we are.

The Move

I am standing in front of my new apartment building, fumbling with my keys.

Let's see...the small round one is for the front door...or was it the big square one? Ah, yes...here. Ok...and the little rectangular one is for my mailbox...Do I have any mail? Here's something for...Timothy Miller? - must be the last tenant - and a flyer for Curves addressed to "Juana Flores - or current female resident"...huh. Must be for the tenant two tenants ago. Hrm. I guess that would make me the 'current female resident', then.

I have moved into a new apartment. A studio apartment. For the past two years I had been living in a spacious two bedroom with hardwood floors, dishwasher, central heat, central air, free washer and dryer on a quiet street right next to a Trader Joes. I was also living with a roommate. And now I'm living in a 400 square foot studio with carpeting and gas heat and coin laundry. But - I no longer have a roommate.

Four months ago, my roommate announced that he wanted to move out into his own place. This did not come as a complete shock to me, as I never imagined that when we moved to Chicago and moved in together - it would be a permanent arrangement.

But I knew I had to figure out a plan. Should I stay in the apartment and look for a new roommate? Should I move into my own place? Should I move in with the Dashing Litigator?

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"Why don't you just move in here?"

We are sitting at his kitchen table. I am sipping a glass of wine, he a bourbon. Duncan is between us, chewing on his stuffed dog toy that we call "Karl with a K".

I smile and take a long slow sip of my wine before I answer.

"I can't." I say, "You know I can't."

He smiles, and I know that underneath it all, he truly feels the same way. "Alright. But I want you to know - if you have trouble finding a place and you need to stay here for a bit, that's fine. Don't stress about it."

I fully realize that in this year of 2006 it is becoming more and more acceptable for unmarried couples to cohabitate. Whether it be for financial reasons, convenience, or because they just plain can't stand to be apart - couples are shackin' up. I know many who do it successfully, and kudos to them! But for me, it just isn't an option. I would never dream of it. Call me a traditionalist, idealist, a hopeless romantic, incurably Catholic, whatever - but there you have it. I've always upheld the belief that there was something sacred and meaningful about not living together until you are married. Sharing a name before sharing an address.

Now don't get me wrong. I certainly spend a lot of time at the Dashing Litigator's. And yes, when I'm there with him and sweet Duncan...it feels like home. And though I may have clothes, toiletries, even tampons at his place - my mail does not go there. I do not live there. This is just something that will happen in it's own time. And now is not that time.

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It's the day of the move, and I have been packing nonstop for the past four hours, taping up boxes, cleaning out my refrigerator, making countless trips to the dumpster. I'm already a sweaty, stinky mess and the move hasn't even officially started. The Dashing Litigator will be here at any moment to start loading up his SUV.

That's right, he is helping me move.

He's convinced me that movers weren't really necessary as I didn't have much stuff. "I mean, you have, what - your bed, dresser, small couch and clothes? That shouldn't be too hard."

But now as I stand in the middle of my very echoey apartment, surrounded by rows upon rows and stacks upon stacks of bags and boxes, I start to panic.

I have a lot of stuff.

I mean, a LOT of stuff.

I'm praying the Dashing Litigator won't notice. I'm remembering what my friend Trista told me when she found out that we were going to tackle the move ourselves. "You're going to have a fight. Trust me on this. Moving is stressful."

I prayed she was wrong.

The Dashing Litigator arrives and kisses me, telling me I look cute. He looks beyond me at the aforementioned 'stuff' and is momentarily taken aback.

"Jesus, Carrie! Um... you do realize you're going from a two bedroom to a studio, right?"

"Hey! I know it looks like a lot, but...it will fit." I try to convince myself...but even I'm not so sure. We dig in.

Six and half hours and nine trips with the SUV later - I am moved.

By the time we make the final push, we are both exhausted and starving, dirty and depleted - but - we have not had one fight. Not even close! We hauled and we lugged and we carried - chugging water to stay hydrated, occasionally 'pantsing' each other on the stairs, flipping mattresses over railings, giving each other high-fives and salty sweaty kisses - surprising ourselves with how strong we were together. But truth be told, my Dashing Litigator carried the bulk of the heavy stuff. He is an Adonis. Not much has been written on his physique, but let it be known now. He is one finely built man. And the sight of his body lifting and pulling and performing such grueling manual labor was like a delicious carrot dangling before me, urging me onward to the finish line. The finish line that ended at Moody's pub, with a pitcher of Michelob and two blue cheese burgers.

This, my friends, was love. Helping somebody move has got to be somewhere around the third level of hell. As I looked across the table to my Dashing Litigator, both of us happily filled and drowsy on burgers and beer - I wondered if I ever loved or appreciated him more.

Be that as it may...I know I can't push it. If we do end up sharing a residence in the future, and we are faced with another move, this crazy actress and self-proclaimed pack rat will need to make some changes...as well as some trips to the Salvation Army.

What He Means...

I am half-leaping, half-falling out of a cab, nearly tripping on my oversized shoulder bag, my purse, my own feet. I laugh, recalling how the Dashing Litigator often refers to me as his 'bag lady', since I seem unable to go anywhere without lugging half my belongings with me, like some kind of urban turtle. It is the end of another workday, and I am meeting the Dashing Litigator (who is having drinks with his parents) inside a hip bar in Chicago's west loop. I am only making a brief appearance to collect his rather newish car (a huge, black and beautiful SUV that we call "Aretha"), to head home in rush hour traffic to feed our Duncan before driving out to the burbs for a dress rehearsal.

This has been the way for the past couple weeks. The Dashing Litigator has lived without his car and sometimes his girlfriend - spending his evenings entertaining Duncan, trying out new recipes, doing my laundry, preparing me lunches and dinners. He's become a regular stay-at-home dad, making temporary sacrifices so that I can pursue my craft.

We are 9 months into this relationship and I can say without hesitation that I have never known a love so rare, so supportive, so genuine - as this.

In the time since my last post, we have taken vacations together... a weekend excursion to St. Louis, and to my hometown of Novi, Michigan for Easter. We've traveled to Marco Island twice and had enough romantic adventures to rival the most extravagant of honeymoons...champagne sunsets, decadent dinners alfresco, collecting shells, catamaran excursions, and "From Here to Eternity" moments on the surf. And while travelling can be a typically stressful time for some couples, we made it through unscathed and actually more in love.

We have spent time apart - nearly two weeks while I was out of town on a theatre job. While separated, we talked on the phone every night, missed each other terribly, and came home to each other more appreciative and more connected than ever before.

And then - there's Duncan. I never knew that I could love a dog as much as my beloved family dog, Cole - but Duncan has found a permanent place in my heart. The three of us have become a family of sorts, and the Dashing Litigator still marvels that he is a dogowner. He also delights in watching Duncan grow, pointing out that his physical growth is an outward reflection of our growth as a couple. I couldn't agree more. We discuss obedience training, feel guilty about putting him in a kennel while we travel, worry about him when he is in doggie daycare and being bullied by a boxer. We buy him treats, show off pictures like proud parents, take lazy Saturday naps with him, cheer when he finally jumps from the back of the SUV by himself, take him to the park, are embarrassed when he misbehaves in front of strangers, but through it all - we laugh.

I've met and spent time with his lovely parents, his friends, his siblings and their families. He has spent time with my family, given my father legal advice when they were encountering obstacles in opening their bed and breakfast, and completely won them over. We have seen each other through family crises, apartment hunting, and sickness (projectile vomitting, no less, and high fevers).

Every day I learn something new about my Dashing Litigator. The little things...how he doesn't like milk in his cereal, how he can't fall asleep unless his feet are sticking out from under the sheets, his borderline obsession with cherry chapstick, his love for the Miami Dolphins, Anita Baker, bourbon, and a pair of stonewashed blue jeans he's had since undergrad. And the bigger things...what he wants from his life, in his dream house, what he fears, what he hopes for, what keeps him awake at night, what brings him solace.

There is an energy about him that is palpable...a forward moving momentum that I want to be part of. He is kind, generous, mischievous, hilarious, intimidatingly smart and wildly sexy. He is warmth and passion - possibility and hope- head and heart. He is home.

And I need him.

I'm surprised that I could need someone so much, actually. I was the perpetually single girl who could take care of herself, thank you very much. The Grace to a host of Will's. "I don't need a man. Sure, I'd like one to have around, but I don't need one." And yet here I am - verymuch needing this man. There is a tremendous feeling of peace and relief when I'm with him - like falling into bed - or slipping slowly into a hot bath.

We talk about the future. To us, our life is a book that is being written, chapter by chapter. Occasionally we go back and read the earlier parts. I remember the moment I started to fall in love with him: on our second date - he left to use the restroom and returned with a hanky for me, as I had the sniffles. Such a kind and simple gesture...and yet I melted. He remembers the first time I cried in front of him, telling him something that was very difficult, and how at that moment - every ounce of his being screamed to protect me.

My heart breaks for girlfriends who are, at this very moment, mourning the abrupt and confusing end of a relationship; girlfriends who are hanging onto men who are slowly eroding their spirit and soul - as it's better than being alone. Girlfriends who are single and resigning themselves to that sort of an existence - forcing themselves to be content with this outcome, giving up on any sort of hope that there is a good man out there who will love them for who they are.

I want to fly a banner from a Cessna...I want to broadcast it on the 6 o'clock news:

I love him madly.

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The Dashing Litigator has picked me up to take me to his house for dinner. Earlier, I had gone for a run that left my right calf aching and throbbing. In the backseat I greet Duncan and he wags his tail happily. This is a familiar routine, spending a weeknight with my boys.

An hour later we are sitting at the kitchen table, savoring his delicious homemade pasta while Duncan lays at our feet. We are talking about the meal, our families, our days.

He looks up at me suddenly and smiles. "I love you, Carrie."

I love you, too.

He nods his head as though arriving at a decision. "I'm in." He adds. "I'm totally in."

Later we will go to the park with Duncan and play catch with him. We will come home and clean up the dishes from dinner. He will take Duncan out one last time while I brush my teeth and remove my contact lenses. I will spread peanut butter on a chew toy and put Duncan to bed, while the Dashing Litigator flosses his teeth.

This is one of our many rituals. Loving routines that remind us that we are in this together.

As we fall asleep holding each other, I watch him - silently knowing that there is no place on earth I'd rather be.

As I fall asleep, I know it in my heart.

I'm in, too.

Counting my blessings...

It's remarkable to me how the meaning of the holidays has changed from when I was a child. When I was a child I was all about Santa (Well - once I got over my fear of him, that is - a legitimate fear that held me back from asking what I wanted for Christmas for two straight years in a row). I always looked forward to coming downstairs with my brother, and later my sister, tearing through piles of presents, reading Santa's note, staying in my pajamas for longer than was respectable and gleefully calling all my friends to talk about what Santa brought us.

When I was a teenager, I looked forward to a break from school, to sleeping in, and to getting money and clothing for Christmas. Any gift other than the above was promptly returned for cash or exchanged for clothing.

In college I looked forward to coming home and reconnecting (read: going to the bars and clubs) with old high school friends - and getting money or clothes for Christmas. In the years since college, Christmas has become centered around the family, all of us coming together, celebrating those traditions we have always done (Going out for Chinese food on Chrismas Eve, driving around and looking at lights, midnight Mass, monkey bread).

I've always felt that Christmas was a time for family - for truly looking at your life and counting your blessings and loving those people you are related to - faults, quirks, and all. It's always been my favorite time of year. The 24 hours of Christmas music, the Christmas specials on tv, the lights, baking cookies, the decorations, the cards, the first snow fall, roaring fires, the anticipation that comes with lighting the Advent candles. I love all of it. As Johnny Mathis sings, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

I can easily count on one hand the number of times I've been dating someone during this time of year. To be more accurate, I can count on two fingers. So when I think of my Christmasses past, I don't think of mistletoe, cozying up to a fire, or those scenes you see in Jared Jewelry commercials. I think of my crazy family and our traditions and being together. Not so bad, really.

But this year...things are different.

This year I happen to find myself dating somebody truly special. Someone who is making this holiday season even more festive, warm and bright. And this Christmas Eve will mark four months that this person has been in my life.

This Dashing Litigator and his beautiful dog are now "my boys". In the month since he has welcomed Duncan into his home, the shape of my life has changed. For the better.

Two weeks ago we were snowed in when the biggest blizzard of the season hit. We ventured out into the snow and I walked the puppy while the Dashing Litigator shoveled his walkway. We ordered Chinese food delivered and over-tipped the delivery man for his troubles. We wore our winter hats indoors and played Trivial Pursuit while Duncan played at our feet. We were visited by neighbors who wanted to stop by and see 'the baby.' And we fell asleep - neither of us knowing how much snow would continue to fall nor caring if we would ever dig ourselves out. Partly because we were so content to just be together, and partly because the Dashing Litigator lives next door to a Dunkin' Donuts - so we would not go hungry.

And there have been other things, too. So many moments that I have memorized and hold in my heart to relive whenever I need to. Moments like attending Mass with the Dashing Litigator and smiling as he allows me to walk up to communion ahead of him. A small, simple gesture, yes - but one that my father has done for as long as I can remember. The first time he referred to me as Duncan's 'mommy'. Arriving to work in the morning, tired and pre-caffeinated to find a lovely 'good morning' email from him. Being picked up for a date and discovering he has brought Duncan along so I can have a fix. Lazy Saturday afternoon naps with my boys. The exquisite joy that comes from having a puppy fall asleep in your arms. The pleasant thrill of him calling just as I was thinking of him.

Part of the reason I have dropped off the blogging planet for so long was that I've been too busy living to blog. And just as the shape of my life has been changing, the shape of this blog may be changing as well. I may change the name, the focus of the stories, etc. I think the time has come to respect the privacy and sacredness of this relationship and see what other topics interest me.

I wish all of you all the best for this holiday season. I am truly blessed and I wish everyone continued health and happiness in 2006.

God Bless.

Oh, Brother

Note: This is a re-post. To my readers: Even though it may appear that my brother was a heartless monster, rattling off embarrassing stories and facts about me - he was not sabotaging my relationship. He was purely being a brother. And you must remember that this blog is from MY point of view. Of course I'm going to see things in a different way! And by 'different way', I mean 'the right way.' Love you, brother!
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Think. Who knows you better than your best friend? Better than your parents? Who knows all of your faults and failings, foibles and flaws - and has them all catalogued in an anecdotal arsenal, primed and ready for a full-on assault at a moments notice? YOUR BROTHER - or, in this case - my brother.

A little background: My brother and I are 17 months apart - he is younger. Through the years we have had periods of being close - and being close to killing. Both of us bear various half moon scars on our bodies from where our nails once tore at each other, vying for the auspicious title of "Front Seat Passenger on the Way to the Orthodontist." My brother still delights in pointing out his scars that he has charted by name and date, almost the way an astronomer would keep track of stars in a galaxy: "Murphy's Inn, Boyne City, Michigan - 1987." Though my brother is younger, I've often felt that he is older, for several reasons. He is taller. He left the house and got a 'real job' long before I did. He bought a condo, later a house, and later still - another condo. He got a dog. He got married.

Last weekend, my brother and sister-in-law visited me in Chicago for a chilly weekend to take in the sights. Among them: my home, the city and the Dashing Litigator. The plan for the latter sight was for all four of us to have dinner together, then hear my friend Jim's band play, then attend a pajama party thrown by my friend Trista.

At 4:30 we are on our way to the Dashing Litigators. I am driving my roommate's car, and I am nervous. I nearly rear-end a vehicle as I am making a left hand turn - and my brother, seated beside me, nearly has a coronary at age 29. He lets out an expletive, I snap at him, and I realize this situation is very similar to when the Dashing Litigator was about to meet my parents. I am once again on edge. I turn to my brother. I plead. "Please don't say anything to embarrass me or make me look bad." He smiles back, "Carrie, come on. Don't worry about it." From the back seat, my sister-in-law reassures me, "I won't let him say anything bad, Carrie." Ok. I find myself breathing just a little bit easier.

We pull up to his house, and because of my earlier behind-the-wheel blunder, my brother has me get out of the car so he can parallel park it. I'm momentarily irked, but realize it's probably a very good call.

We are walking down the sidewalk when I see the Dashing Litigator outside with Duncan on his leash. He looks nervous, too. Once Duncan recognizes me, he ambles toward me and I scoop him up, kissing both of my boys. Introductions are made and soon we are all inside the Dashing Litigator's cozy home that is warmly lit with candles. My brother pulls out gifts that they have brought for little Duncan, (puppy shampoo, a ball that glows when bounced and a stuffed squirrel chew toy). The Dashing Litigator is hugely grateful and the puppy doesn't know what to play with first. My sister-in-law is bonding with Duncan (he is alternately nibbling her toes and the cuffs of her jeans) and my brother is asking the Dashing Litigator about the work he has done on his house. Everyone is sipping wine, relaxed, laughing, and enjoying each others' company. The Dashing Litigator takes my hand and squeezes it, and I realize, "Hey. This isn't bad at all."

Soon we are off to dinner in Bucktown. I am once again behind the wheel, and once again driving like a fifteen year old who has borrowed dad's car for the night. My brother, from the back seat this time, takes this opportunity to spout off my driving record from age 16 on, including my mastery of direction. "Carrie didn't know where our highschool was until she was a junior. She couldn't drive there if her life depended on it." Sadly, this story is true. And thankfully it is one that I had already told the Dashing Litigator. Take that, brother. The subsequent stories of near-squirrel-collisions that ended with cars in ditches, tickets, and failures to stop - only worsened my present driving abilities, psyching me out completely. And aside from nearly turning the wrong way down a one-way street and running a red light (The Dashing Litigator's fault, as he was my navigator), we arrive in one piece at Feast, and I am more than happy and relieved to hand the keys off to the valet.

Dinner is off to a lovely start. My brother picks out a bottle of wine and the laughs are non-stop. My brother and sister-in-law recount their courtship and how on their first date my brother took his now wife up for a ride in a Cessna. The Dashing Litigator ribs my brother for ruining every hope of coming up with a good first date of his own. "How can you top that?!" he asks.

Somewhere between my first and second glass of wine, my brother says, "Carrie said to me earlier, "Don't say anything to embarrass me!!" I shoot him a look that clearly says, "SHUT UP."

He continues, "Carrie told me that she hasn't farted around you, yet. Well, you should've heard her last night. Wow. Impressive."

Again I shoot him my best "SHUT UP" look. He says, "Uh oh. She's giving me a look!"

He is on a roll.

There are more embarrassing trips down memory lane - and I feel myself floundering, unable to recover. I've had 29 years experience of dishing it out and taking it with my brother - but in this moment all I can do is sit there, numbly, in shock.

The bill comes and the Dashing Litigator pays for dinner. His gesture is, as usual, generous. We are getting up from the table, and I find that I am awkward, shy, embarrassed, unable to look him in the eyes. I am noticeably quiet for the rest of the evening. An evening that includes introducing them to more of my friends at a Quinn's Uncles gig, eating rum cake that I had baked for the Dashing Litigator's birthday, and dressing up in matching jammies to attend a party where they meet more of my friends. We take a cab home, dropping the Dashing Litigator off before heading back to my place.

As I fall asleep that night, I play back the evening. I realize that I am possibly reacting in an overly sensitive way. My brother loves me, and I completely had overlooked the section of dinner conversation wherein he praised my performance in "The Who's Tommy", boasting to the Dashing Litigator that he had attended every performance of that show, bragging that he is "my biggest fan". And the part where he said how great I was, and how happy he was for me that I had found such a great guy.

The two leave to head back to Boston the next day, and after bringing some order back to my apartment, I make plans to see the Dashing Litigator, as today is his birthday.When I see him, I apologize to him for the way that I had acted the night before. That I had allowed my brother's words to embarrass me, and that I was possibly being too sensitive. It was clear the night before, that I was angry with my brother, and I was embarrassed that the illusion that we had a perfect relationship was shattered.

Again, he reassured me."Carrie, my own brother called me to wish me a happy birthday this morning, and within ten seconds he had launched into a litany of reasons why my sister was the most ridiculous person on the planet. After five minutes, I put the phone down. Carrie, no family is perfect - mine is far from it - and there is obviously a lot of love between you and your brother. That was very clear."

And I will come to realize that no family is perfect. You cannot choose your siblings or your parents. You can only choose to love them. My brother has a quick wit and huge heart. I should've just let things be, roll with the punches, premature flatulation stories and all. Eventually the Dashing Litigator will see all of this anyway, and if he chooses to run away based on some silly stories of a much younger Carrie, then he is just not meant to be.

The Dashing Litigator is holding me in his arms on his birthday, which is also the eve of a weeklong trip he will be taking to visit his family in Florida.

"My mom asks about you," he says.

This is news. His parents don't even know he has a puppy. I didn't expect that they'd know he had a girlfriend.

He continues, "When we talk on the phone, she'll ask, 'And how's Carrie?'"

I look up at him with a smile - then doubt - momentarily turning into a 14 year old. "Wait. Does she ask about your friend Carrie?"

"Nooo." he says, "My girlfriend Carrie."I am all smiles again. This is a step. And even though our styles may vastly differ (I thrust nearly my entire family upon him in under three months and blog our entire relationship - while I am only just now becoming 'known' by his family) it is enough to know that we are progressing. That this self-proclaimed private person is now sharing me with his family...it's huge. And comforting. We are getting more comfortable with each other.

And no, I have not farted in front of him...yet.

Terms of Endearment

My father calls me "Care Bear" and has done so ever since the 1982 heyday of the popular plush toy with the varying cute designs on it's belly. My mom, sister, and I all call each other "Bia" and nobody can quite agree on how this began. My theory is that it originally derived from my little sister who - when in a moment of provocation from moi - started to call me a "Beeyatch" (which most know is simply an urbanized and hip way of calling someone a "Bitch") but because she did not want to get into trouble for saying such a word, stopped herself at "Beeeyah-". Somewhere along the way this very nasty name became a loving term of endearment. In fact, I use the word 'Bia' more than I do 'mom'. I call my brother "Manzier" which is a spin-off of a Seinfeld episode wherein Kramer, George and Mr. Costanza are trying to come up with a brassiere for men: The Bro or The Manzier. Even my closest friends have terms of endearments attached to their names by the addition of a simple possessive pronoun: my. My friend Julie is "majulie" and my friend Brooke is "mabrooke". All of these loving petnames evolved inasmuch as the relationships themselves have evolved, and are reminders of how dear each of these people are to me.

And though I've never had problems coming up with or incorporating terms of endearment for friends or family, it has always been difficult for me to use them in my dating life. Words like "sweetheart" or "honey" feel foolish and foreign coming out of my mouth, and don't even get me started on the word "baby". Perhaps it's that I've not had practice at it. My past relationships were so brief that terms of endearment never entered the picture. I once dated a guy that called me "Sweetface". And then after we broke up and I spoke with him he called me "Kiddo". My how things can change.

From nearly the beginning, the Dashing Litigator and I have been calling each other 'lovey' in our emails and aloud. Though when it is mentioned in the latter form, it is always said in the Thurston Howell III "Giligan's Island" kind of way. It is a very silly and goofy term of endearment and always said in a haughty, putting-on-airs kind of way.

We've also started changing the adjectives in our nicknames. He has, on days, been The Darling Litigator, the Drunk Litigator, the Drowsy Litigator and the Duracell Litigator. While I have been The Charismatic Actress, the Cavalier Actress, the Clumsy Actress and the Caring Actress.

About a month ago, I was staying over at the Dashing Litigator's and was battling what were the beginning symptoms of a cold. I was in that scratchy, hard-to-swallow phase which was also making it hard to sleep. At one point in the middle of the night I coughed and winced aloud in pain. The Dashing Litigator was roused from his sleep and said, "Are you ok, baby?" I nodded silently and tried to get back to sleep. But there it was: baby. In the dark I laid there shocked and pleasantly thrilled.

In the coming days he'd begin to incorporate honey into his every day vocabulary with me. It sounded lovely and natural and made me feel warm and hugged.

Good morning, honey.

What's that, honey?

Hi honey.

What do you think, honey?

But I had a hard time saying it back. And I began to wonder what was wrong with me. I certainly had the mushy feelings to go along with the mushy words. What then, was my problem? I rationalized that it must be because the Dashing Litigator has had more long-term relationships than I have. Certainly when you're in a relationship that lasts three years the honeys, babys and sweethearts come as naturally as breathing. When you're only with someone for two months, that's barely enough time to feel natural saying their 'actual' name.

************************

The Dashing Litigator and I are out to dinner and staring at each other with googly eyes over our pasta. He reaches across the table and takes my hand. "Hi honey." He says. I smile. "Hi." He lets go of my hand and focuses on his pasta, stabbing at it and twisting the noodles with his fork. "I need to stop doing that, " he says.

Doing what?

"Calling you 'honey'. I'm realizing that I do it all the time. I'm starting to annoy myself."

I put my own fork down and put a hand on his arm. "Please don't stop. I have an entire lifetime of 'honeys' that I need to catch up on."

He smiles. "Well me, too. Even though I may have had more lengthy relationships than you have, they've all been seriously lacking in the 'honey' department. So you see, I too, have a lifetime of 'honeys' to catch up on.

Let's not waste anymore time then. Alright, honey?

A Pup-date

As I sit down to compose this latest post, I am still wearing yesterday's clothes - pink velveteen pants that have been nibbled here and there and a sweater that has been intermittently pulled apart by tiny sharp puppy claws. I have a small bite mark on my pinky finger, (the Dashing Litigator has a tiny scratch near his left eye), I am sleep deprived and oh so deliriously happy.

Duncan has arrived.

All week we had been anticipating this big day. Friday at work we sent each other "T minus" emails counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Duncan was 'home'.

************
It is early on Saturday, and I bake a loaf of banana nut bread, writing "Duncan" across it in black icing, and trimming it with chocolate frosting. Later, when I get the call from the Dashing Litigator that he is home - and hear the proof positive puppy yelps in the background - I quickly grab my things and head out the door.

The Dashing Litigator is in the house on the phone and his best friend is sitting out on the porch with Duncan on his leash when I arrive. It is he who introduces me to the pup. This pup that is barely a foot long, made of chocolately velvet and with the palest grey/blue eyes I've ever seen. Much like my first encounter with his owner, it is love at first sight.

In a matter of moments I have dumped my bag and the loaf of bread in the house and have an 8 week old puppy climbing into my lap. Not a bad way to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon. The best friend leaves and soon the Dashing Litigator and I are left to care for this very adorable puppy by ourselves. This puppy that is sleeping and snoring softly against my cheek. The Dashing Litigator finds the disposable camera that I've brought and begins putting it to use, capturing each adorable moment.

What follows is an entire 24 hours of such moments. Some captured on film, but most held in my mind and in my heart:

- The Dashing Litigator teaching his dog to follow him throughout the house- watching his large frame being trailed by the awkward ambling of a puppy who has not yet grown into his oversized paws.

- Observing the magical power of the words "Go Pee!" and the shared joyous excitement over a puppy-sized bowel movement.

- The hesitation to leave the crying puppy alone for two hours in his crate while we (selfishly?) went to Greek town for dinner.

- Being on our first real date in over a week - and feeling our connection with each other grow even deeper as we reveal things that we love about each other.

- Arriving home to find Duncan awake and dry and very happy to see us.

- Cuddling on the couch flanked by two very tired boys who have had a very big day. Duncan dozing with his head on my right shoulder, and the Dashing Litigator dozing with his head on my left. While I smile in the middle, silently knowing that this is heaven to me.

- Waking up at 2:30am to puppy yelps and all three of us taking that opportunity to 'Go Pee'.

- Waking up at 4am to more puppy yelps and the pungent smack-you-in-the-face smell of puppy pee pee and puppy poo poo.

- The Dashing Litigator cleaning up a messy Duncan in the kitchen sink, while I clean out his cage. Both fully embracing these duties with more laughter and I-can't-believe-we're-doing-this than annoyance.

- Waking up to find the Dashing Litigator asleep with a pillow on his kitchen floor beside his sleeping and caged puppy, who had finally stopped crying.

- The undeniable maternal and paternal instincts that have kicked in for both of us with the arrival of this precious Duncan.

*************************

The Dashing Litigator is terrified. He has never had a pet before, let alone an 8 week old puppy. He is flying without a net, asking me questions at every turn, trusting my judgment. When he drops me off to head back home to his Duncan, I can see doubt all over his face. I turn to him, "You are doing all the right things. You just need to commit to this and be confident. Be as confident as you are when you walk into the courtroom. You can do this. Trust yourself. You're going to be ok."

He smiles and thanks me, kisses me, then drives home. And it occurs to me that the doubt and lack of confidence the Dashing Litigator is feeling about Duncan is the same that I had been feeling with regards to this relationship. I have never been in a relationship that latest longer than 2 months, and here we are in week 11. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm terrified as well.

And it occurs to me that this puppy is barely 8 weeks old. We have been dating longer than Duncan has been alive. Already he is becoming aware of the Dashing Litigator as someone important to him, following him around, obeying him dutifully. And as was made evident by the number of times he crawled into my lap and fell asleep - he's realizing I am important, too.

This 8 week old puppy is too young to have ever known us apart. He only knows us together. And it is my prayer that he'll know us this way for a long, long time.

That Girl

Five years ago, I was an unhappy girl. I was living with my parents, working part time as a theatre director and choreographer, part time as a low-paid actor, and part time waiting tables at a local restaurant. The latter most of these positions was lucrative money-wise, but dampening spirit-wise. I was frustrated and stuck. I did not have a boyfriend, nor did I feel particularly date worthy. I did however, have a rather innocent crush on my chiropractor. He was tall and handsome with wavy hair and Wally Cleaver looks. He smiled a lot. He asked me about my day. He noticed when I cut my hair or lost weight. I would lay on his table and he would rub my tired back. Sometimes, on particularly hard days, he would perform an adjustment that I affectionately referred to as "The Maneuver". It was a chiropractic procedure, but if we had not been wearing clothes, I'm fairly certain it could be found in the pages of the Kama Sutra. And for a dateless twenty-something who was broke and living with mom and dad, it was enough.

I was working a double at the restaurant one long and dreary January day, and was nearing the end of my dinner shift, when I came around a corner and spotted my handsome chiropractor seated at a booth in the bar. Across from him was a beautiful brunette with shoulder length hair and large eyes. They were laughing, leaning in toward each other, completely unaware of me, let alone anyone else in the restaurant. They were so obviously in love. I smiled to myself, a sad, sort of wistful smile and went back to sorting silverware, bussing tables, running food and sweeping my section. A plaintive Cinderella. Later, I passed by the front of the restaurant and caught sight of them once again. They were standing in the lobby, both in black leather coats. She was holding onto a bag that presumably contained leftovers. He leaned in to give her a kiss, she wrapped his scarf around his neck, and then he disappeared through the doors. It was a cold, wet night, and it occurred to me that he was probably going to get the car and bring it around, so she wouldn't have to walk as far. As I stood there quietly observing, she turned around. Her face was lit up with a smile so radiant that it was nearly impossible to not smile myself. Her happiness was so tangible I could almost feel what she was feeling: Giddy, warm, grateful. Our eyes met and she lowered her head briefly, smiling sheepishly. Seconds later the car pulled up and she skipped out the door, ducking into the passenger side and off to the rest of her evening with her handsome date - my chiropractor.

***********************************
The Dashing Litigator and I are on a mission. A mission to find two perfect pumpkins. It is a brisk and wet Sunday night, my show has just closed and we are on a date. We pull up to a makeshift streetside pumpkin patch, lit by strings of lights and guarded by a sturdy and temporary trailer. There are rows upon rows of pumpkins that will - in another six weeks - be replaced by Christmas trees. The seller of the pumpkins and dweller of the trailer is Ron - a large man with long fuzzy hair poking out of his grey woolen watchman's cap. He's layered with several shirts, the outermost being a dingey green flannel, and his gloves are fingerless. He smiles at us, greeting us with a "Hey there! Feel free to look around!" and I notice he's missing a couple teeth.

Immediately I'm off, darting across rows of pumpkins, squatting to take a closer look at some, picking up others, examining their 'carve-ability'.

The Dashing Litigator is watching me, laughing. "Ooooh! I see the little girl Carrie! She's coming out!" I find my pumpkin, a fat, sturdy one, and plonk it on the table. Ron takes out a soiled rag and wipes the mud off of it. The Dashing Litigator finds his pumpkin, too. A smaller one - as his theory is, "The smaller the pumpkin, the less guts to scoop out."

Ron adds bluntly: "Man, aren't them things a pain in the ass to scoop out?" We laugh hysterically and wonder what the Illinois pumpkin growers would think of Ron's very 'bad-for-business' blabbing.

Our pumpkins are rolling around in the back of his truck, as we head off to our next stop: Dinner. It is the night of another White Sox game. The second game of the world series. The Dashing Litigator takes me to yet another new restuarant - 42 Degrees N. Latitude. The bar is crowded and smokey, but he leads the way to the restaurant part and soon we have a front row seat to the game by way of a flat screen tv. We are one of only two couples in the room, which is warm and lit with candles.

Dinner is lovely. Even though the game is on, we manage to split our attention between each other and the White Sox. We are sipping wine and feeding each other pasta and when we see the poor fans at the game who are wearing ponchos, soaked and miserable, the Dashing Litigator says, "Now this is the way to do it." I am feeling content and happily filled. We order two desserts to take home - an apple bread pudding and a pumpkin cheesecake, and put on our coats to leave. Outside it has started to rain again. As we approach the door, the Dashing Litigator turns to me and says, "You wait here. It's raining. I'll bring the car around." He kisses me quickly before disappearing through the revolving door, bounding across the street, dodging raindrops. I am holding our desserts in a bag, and I smile, hugging the bag to my chest. I turn around to face the inside of the restaurant and momentarily catch the eye of the bartender, a dark haired woman of about my age. She smiles at me, and I find myself embarrassed and shyly look away. When I turn to face the street, my Dashing Litigator is there. I push through the doors, jump in his truck and we are off to the rest of our date. We will carve pumpkins and the Dashing Litigator will learn the hard way that "The smaller pumpkins have the most guts". We will make coffee, cuddle on the couch and watch the final innings of the game. We will share our desserts and I will fall asleep in his arms, warm and cozy.

This is for the Carrie of five years ago. The Carrie that numbly lived her life in a holding pattern. Endlessly circling the runway waiting to take off, but terrified to leave the safety of the ground. The Carrie that watched love happen to other people and wondered, as she straightened her apron and counted her tips, if it would ever happen to her.

Wondering if she would ever be 'that girl'.

Puppy Love

Last summer, when I was doing stock theatre in Cold Water, Michigan and living with a host mom (whom I called my 'ho sistah', as she was far too young to be my mom), I fell in love with Logan - the sweetest, most kind, gentle and loving chocolate lab there ever was. I can recall coming home from a long day of rehearsals to his big brown welcoming eyes, and taking long walks with him along Cold Water lake. Often I'd be sitting out by the water, my nose stuck in my script, only to be delightfully distracted by the scratches of his paws on the metal dock as he ambled up beside me, resting his chin on my shoulder. In that stressful, crazy whirlwind of a summer, Logan was a calm, chocolatey source of solace on four legs. It was during this time that I decided - if I were to ever get a dog of my own- it would be a gentle, sweet, loving chocolate lab- just like Logan.

******************

The Dashing Litigator and I are day dreaming out loud together. Talking about our future homes in New York City and Miami Beach, surfing lessons, traveling to Paris, children, our plans to take over the world. These conversations are light-hearted and innocent pipe dreams without promises that flutter to the surface now and again, making us smile and look at each other with brighter eyes. To us the future is a clean slate with no pressures and endless possibilities.

We're day dreaming out loud about dogs when I tell him about Logan, my summer love. He tells me that though he never had pets growing up, he's always dreamed of having a chocolate lab. He even has a name picked out: Duncan. I love it.

One late morning after enjoying a delicious Sunday brunch at Square Kitchen, we're strolling down Lincoln Avenue hand in hand. We're enjoying the sunshine and the lazy luxury of the day when we encounter a chocolate lab who has been curbed outside a bookstore, lounging on the sidewalk. We pause and talk to him for a bit before continuing on, smiling at each other silently and knowingly.

It is Wednesday afternoon. I'm at work, eating my lunch at my desk, when suddenly an email drops in from the Dashing Litigator. The email reads: "Please tell me why I should not do this." Attached to the email is a picture of a two week old chocolate lab puppy being held entirely in the palm of the hand of a smiling young woman. The woman, it turns out, is the daughter of one of his secretaries at the firm. Her boyfriend's dog just gave birth to a litter of labs. Among them - only one chocolate lab - a boy.

I am instantly reduced to a pile of 'awww-ing' mush. As the puppy is only two weeks old, it will be available for adopting in about 5 weeks. The Dashing Litigator and I exchange a few emails - and just like an attorney - he lists out the pros and cons of this potentially huge and life changing purchase. The arguments are virtually equal on either side. I call him and my heart is saying, "Do this! He's soooo adorable, how could you not?" And my head is saying, "This is a major thing! You're trying to sell your house, you work long hours...you've never had a dog before! This is a huge committment!" But what I end up saying is:

"It's Duncan. You have to have him."

He agrees and then says, "Well...you would help me with him, right?"

Without question.

Later that night, the Dashing Litigator picks me up for a date - our first real 'going-out' date in a couple weeks. What follows is a fabulous evening that starts with pumpkin martinis at the very cozy Bungalow Lounge, then dinner at Feast in Bucktown and finally a giddy after-dinner drink in the Signature Room, atop the Hancock Building. Being with him is, as usual, never boring. We talk of many things, including our now verymuch official 'boyfriend and girlfriend status'...but we don't talk about the potential puppy.

And then we are in his truck and stopped at a light. "Look!" he exclaims. I turn my head, and there, in the other lane and facing the opposite direction - also stopped - is an SUV. In the backseat with his head out the window, is an adult chocolate lab. Our window is also open and I find that I can't contain myself. "Hellooooo puppy!!" I call. The pup's ears perk up and he cocks his head. The Dashing Litigator laughs. The owner of the canine is nonplussed, and soon they are on their way and out of our sight.

"Where is your head right now?" I ask him.

"I know it would be a lot of work. But it might be nice to have a living thing to take care of. And if I wait - would there EVER be a 'good time' for it?" I am silently pondering his point when he leans into me and nuzzles my neck, drawing in quick sniffs and tickling me like a puppy dog would. I laugh and push him away. "Great. Then I'd have two puppies to contend with!"

As we drive, I look out the window, feeling the cool fall night air on my face, the Dashing Litigator's fingers laced through my own, feeling everybit the picture of contentment. I sigh an audible sigh.

"You know," he says, "I love being out with you."

"Why is that?" I ask.

"Because everyone smiles at us."

My heart melts at that observation. It is quite possibly the sweetest observation ever made in the history of mankind. Or at least dating-man-kind. And again I find myself slipping.

And I think about this two week old chocolate lab puppy. This puppy that could quite possibly be the first of our outloud 'daydreams' to come true. Duncan. I know that I would love this dog - I feel as though I already do. This dog would be the Dashing Litigator's, of course, but as I am now a part of the picture, I can't help feeling he would be partly mine, too.

And then I have a mild panic attack. What if this relationship ends? Not only would I lose the man, but I would also lose the dog.

The thought of the former makes me feel sick.

But the thought of the latter makes me feel suicidal.

I decide there is only one clear solution if this dog is to become a part of my life:

The Dashing Litigator must never become apart from it.

"The Linda Look"

When I was a teenager and had entered into the world of dating, the time would eventually come when my boyfriend would meet my parents. Granted, the times that this actually occurred were relatively few and far between, and more often than not centered around huge events like homecomings, winter formals, or proms. The doorbell would ring and my dad would flip into paparazzi mode, capturing each awkward moment for posterity. My date, feeling cramped and on display in his rented mall tux and too tight shoes, fumbled with my corsage. Me, feeling wobbly in my high heels, my permed hair teased within an inch of its life, wearing my mother's blush because she said I looked too pale, and wearing a dress that I would never wear again - attempted to gracefully descend the staircase. My mother would stand off to the side, smiling, but quietly assessing. The smile, to the casual observer, would appear warm, nearly genuine. "Mom, this is Jason. Jason this is my mom." She'd step toward him, with the same smile and shake his hand. "Nice to meet you, Jason. I've heard so much about you." Then dad would call to us for "...one more parting shot of the happy couple!" Finally, Jason - or whichever date it was, it didn't matter - would turn his back to either get my coat, open the door, or shake my father's hand. It was in that moment, I would catch my mother's eye. The smile would have vanished - just briefly - and be replaced by "The Linda Look." The Linda Look was meant only for me and managed to convey mild annoyance, disapproval and dismissal all with a single expression. The lips set in a line, the eyes narrowed, the ever so slight shake of the head. It was the kiss of death for any poor young suitor of mine. And the look, like Linda herself, was never wrong.

************************

I'm standing in my bedroom in my apartment, surrounded by piles of skirts and tops. I have tried on at least 6 different outfits and nothing seems right. Too slutty, too conservative, too casual, too dressy. I'm standing half dressed with my head in my closet, frustrated, rummaging for something decent to wear when my phone rings. It's mom. She and dad have been traveling to Chicago by train and have just arrived, an hour later than expected, but they are now here. They've rented a car downtown and will soon be on their way. It is early afternoon. I throw on jeans and a black sleeveless tee, and decide - for now anyway - that will do.

My phone rings again and this time it's the Dashing Litigator. He has been out and about, and has called to check in and confirm the plans for the evening.

5:15pm. Srega Nona. See you then.

The Dashing Litigator is about to meet my parents.

My parents are in town for a 24 hour whirlwind stop that will not only include a first time meeting with the Dashing Litigator, but also tickets to my show that evening. After a couple hours of catching up with them and enjoying the gorgeous fall day, I get down to the real business at hand. Like an attorney prepping a client for a cross examination, I address my parents. They are not to bring up any embarrassing episodes from my childhood, they are not to mention marriage, children, their shared dreams for grandchildren, past boyfriends of mine, or that time that I cut my own bangs in the 6th grade and looked like an Ewok for three months. And even though I am very open with my parents and I have shared with them countless tales of my adventures with the Dashing Litigator, they are to pretend that all they know of him is what they have read in this blog.

Mom - typically calm, cool and collected - suddenly appears nervous. As we're walking out the door, she notices my father is wearing a yellow knit Nautica shirt with black pants. He looks very casual, very nice. She gives him a disapproving look and tells him to put on his leather jacket - even though it is 65 degrees out - as that looks nicer. Dad is confused, hesitant to oblige this bizarre wardrobe request. He resists. I tell them both to hush and climb into the back seat of the car, slamming the door.

We are all a bit edgy.

We arrive at Strega Nona and walk through the door. The Dashing Litigator is sitting casually at the bar, facing us. It occurs to me that it has been more than four days since I last saw him, and the sight of him now quite literally takes my breath away. He is wearing a deep blue dress shirt and khaki slacks and his smile floods me with both warmth and reassurance. I realize that these are my parents, and I have no reason to be nervous. He, on the other hand, should run straight out the door, had he any sense.

Too late.

Introductions are made and soon we're seated at a cozy four-person booth. My parents on one side and us on the other.

Our server comes by and takes our drink order. Mom orders a Bacardi Cocktail, which is some sort of daiquiri drink that she tried once in 1973 and has ordered ever since. And as she has learned from experience that no bartender under the age of 45 knows how to make this drink, nor has ever heard of the drink, she carries a typed out recipe card with her at all times. It is at this point that she pulls said card from her wallet and hands it to our server. My father, without missing a beat, says, "Don't worry, I'm just having a beer." I am laughing too loudly at this very 'Stiller and Meara' routine before me and when I turn to the Dashing Litigator, he is doubled over as well. He leans over to me, whispering excitedly, "Oh my GOD! They are just like my parents!"

"Is that a good thing?" I ask.

"Absolutely!" he grins, and gives my hand a squeeze.

And aside from a few conversation fumbles on my parents' side - including one ill-timed mention of a colonoscopy - the evening is a success. The banter is non-stop and he really seems to be enjoying himself. My parents ask him questions about his family, his job - and he answers them all gracefully and with ease. He asks them about their house in Maine, how things are with selling the house in Michigan. I am feeling elated, proud, happy. Under the table we are alternately holding hands and patting knees. After our plates are cleared, the Dashing Litigator excuses himself to use the washroom. My father takes that opportunity to walk over to the bar to watch the end of the Notre Dame game.

And I take this opportunity to check in with Linda. I turn to my mother, bracing myself for that "Linda Look" I know so well. But she is smiling - a broad, genuine smile. And nodding her head.

"So...? Isn't he great?" I ask.

"He's wonderful." As her smile widens, I study her face. I detect a flicker of something else, hidden beneath the smile, behind the eyes. Concern. Concern for the heart of her eldest daughter, who is so clearly falling for this handsome man. This look is a different sort of Linda Look. Or perhaps it's an after effect of the Bacardi Cocktail.

I turn away to search for the Dashing Litigator, wondering where he has gone - and then I spot him, standing beside my father, their backs to us, both watching the football game. Occasionally one leans into the other to comment on a play or offer his personal commentary. It's a lovely moment, a bonding moment, and I smile, feeling myself sigh and slip a little further.

When the bill comes, the Dashing Litigator is quick with his wallet and generously offers to pay for half of our dinner. My father protests, but soon it's a done deal and we are heading outside. I am, once again, moved by his generous gesture and want to kiss him - but hold back.

Dad takes a couple pictures (he can't resist) and we say our goodbyes, mom hugging a surprised Dashing Litigator, and dad - probably wanting to hug him, too - but opting for a firm handshake. I say my own quick goodbye with a tight squeeze and a chaste kiss on the cheek.

As we're driving to the theatre, my parents are enthusiastically endorsing the Dashing Litigator and talking about what a great dinner that was. They truly enjoyed themselves.

We arrive at the theatre and I head backstage, leaving my parents at the box office. I plunk down my bag and pull out my phone. Though I just saw my Dashing Litigator, I miss him. Though we were together, I was so tense, so nervous for him, for my parents, for everything, really, that the time felt so fleeting. I want to call him.

I do.

He answers and says, "I miss you. Is that odd? I just saw you."

I miss you, too.

We are laughing, babbling, giddy. Finally able to be ourselves. We are like teenagers, even at 30 and 34. I tell him how much my parents loved him and he says he enjoyed them as well. He says that his mother is so much like my mother.

"Well, then they should get along famously." I say.

"Or they'll butt heads!" he laughs. He continues, "When you meet my mom, you'll see. She's very feisty. Dad may have a say in some major decisions, but it's all about mom."

I am laughing, but my ears have perked up at those five words:

When you meet my mom

This is the first time I have heard him mention such a possibility. And though I don't know 'when' this will happen, the idea of it makes me feel warm and happy and excited.

And then I remember my mom and her "Linda Look".

Oh dear God.

I can only pray that the Dashing Litigator's mother doesn't have such a look.

Heaven help me.

The Teeter Totter

When I was in the 2nd grade my favorite recess activity was the teeter totter. The bell would sound and I'd make a beeline for the row of sturdy boards, always opting for the red one. I'd be joined by a friend, usually Karen Kett, (who matched me in height all the way to high school.) We'd level the plank to make it easier to mount and soon we'd be off, bobbing up and down, soaring up to the sky, patent leather shoes dangling, and then softly back to the ground. Up and down. Up and down. I remember the rush in my tummy, the woosh of the wind in my hair, the giddy exhileration of this very simple activity. Sometimes Karen would hold her end to the ground for awhile, allowing me to hover over my world, smiling in the sun. I would let go of the handle and stretch both hands into the air, feeling the breeze tickle my fingers. One afternoon we were positioned this way - with me on the up end of the teeter totter, my head back, smiling, legs swinging, about as euphoric as a seven year old can be.

Suddenly the recess bell. Time to head back into the classroom.

Karen, acting on purely Pavlovian instincts, bolted from her seat on the ground, scrambling to the school in a flurry of ribbons and blonde curls.

Thud.

In an instant I was on the ground, the wind knocked out of me, covered in dust - shocked, hurt, completely caught off guard. Abandoned. Numbly I walked back to my classroom, rubbing my sore bottom, trying to catch my breath. Confused, stung.

It was awhile before I got back onto another teeter totter. (Especially with Karen Kett) And when I did get back on, it was with both hands firmly gripping the handle, both ears pealed for that kill joy bell. The once blithe, carefree exuberance I had derived from my favorite activity, had forever been replaced with a more guarded gaiety, a jaded joy.

20 plus years later, in my budding relationship with the Dashing Litigator, I am once again on the 'Up' end of the teeter totter, and with those same trepidations. Like that seven year old Carrie, I am nervous. Terrified of crashing into the dirt again, sputtering and stunned.

Perhaps it's because my last two forays into romance have ended painfully and abruptly. Perhaps it's that we are at the 6 week mark and that's when my eHarmony faux-mance fizzled.
Perhaps it's because I'm a girl and think too much about where things are going, instead of enjoying where we are.

I revealed these feelings to the Dashing Litigator, stuttering and stumbling over my words with all the articulate eloquence of a toad. As I spoke, I covered my face with my hair, hid behind pillows and tried in vain to abandon the subject. I was on the up end of the teeter totter, alright - terrified, flailing, fumbling for something real and true to hold onto. He was on the ground watching me grapple for some sense of security. Some sort of reasurrance. What was I looking for, exactly? I didn't know. All I knew was that I was terrified, poised for a fall, feet dangling.

And then, with the kindest eyes, he said to me, "Carrie, I've been hurt before, too."

And just like that I realized I wasn't alone.

I don't know if the Dashing Litigator has ever been dropped on his ass from a teeter totter, but he, too has been bruised by the abrupt ending of the romance recess bell.

We all have.

To get back on that proverbial teeter totter takes courage. It is always a risk. It will always be scary. One never knows if and when the bell will sound and the ride will end.

But I can feel myself beginning to trust, to stretch out a tentative hand to the sky, to begin to look upward with my face to the sun. And whenever I feel that familiar twinge of panic, I look into his eyes, recall the countless thoughtful ways that he has conveyed his feelings for me, and I breathe a little easier.

Who knows when or if this ride will end? If any of the recent disasters in the world have taught us anything, it's that nothing is certain.

But to live with a death grip on the handle bars of life, teeth gritted, terrified - that's not living.

And so I shall endeavor to live fully in every joyous moment - not only in my life, but in my relationship with the Dashing Litigator. To really soak up and treasure every little discovery, experience and connection that we encounter on this passion playground.

Steps

First:
I am overwhelmed by those of you that have come out of your cyber shells to encourage me, support me, and cheer me on. I am humbled and happy that the ramblings of my romantic life have somehow brought hope and comfort to so many. Thank you, whoever and wherever you are. x.
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An amazing phenomenon occurs when you start dating somebody - men suddenly come out of the woodwork, hoping to woo you. Men who once wouldn't give you the time of day before are now banging down your door. Even men who are strangers - on elevators, in airplanes, the El. It's almost as if they have this radar. They're in the soulmate supermarket and suddenly they've been alerted that a 'hot commodity' is flying off the shelf and now they simply must have it.

First, there was 'The Weed' calling me, then there was an old Match.com emailer named Jack. Jack's profile had caught my eye and we had exchanged a couple engaging emails before he suddenly, and without warning, dropped off the cyberplanet. This was about 6 weeks ago. He reappeared just as mysteriously asking me to forgive him for the lapse in communication. I guessed that the reason for the lag was that he had been dating someone, it didn't work out, and now he was back in that supermarket, shopping. He agreed. I responded with my now customary, "Timing is everything" email and clicked 'send'.

I decided to ask my friend Jim about this phenomenom. How I can go months without so much as a look from a man, and suddenly now that I'm seeing somebody, they're everywhere. Jim is a dear friend of mine and has been in a relationship for about 5 months now. Being a self-proclaimed serial monogomist, he's become my male relationship guru. His take? "There's a different energy about you when you're in a new relationship. Your focus is ahead, strong, confident. To a casual observer it's like, 'Wow...I don't know what she's looking at or where she's going, but I wanna find out.' They're drawn to the energy that is coming off you." Interesting.

But what of the Dashing Litigator?

I am standing in my kitchen dressed in blue jeans and a snug black top that bares my shoulders. My shoulders that have been dusted with an iridescent powder to draw attention to my collarbone. I read somewhere that the collarbone is a sexy body part. At least that's what I keep telling myself every time I skip the gym or the ab section of my workout. "Who cares about my chubby tummy, when I've got a sexy collarbone?"

It is another dark, windy night in Chicago. It has just rained and brought about a temperature drop of about 15 degrees. Fall is certainly upon us. I am awaiting the arrival of the Dashing Litigator who should be by at any moment to whisk me away to dinner. It has been three days since I saw him last and the sense memory of our parting kisses still causes a warmth to seep through me, from my toes to my lips, spreading them into a warm, gooey, lovesick smile.

It is Wednesday. And it has been exactly 5 weeks since the Dashing Litigator first stepped into my life and into my heart. I wonder if he will notice the significance of the day? I close my eyes and am shocked to realize how nervous I am. Still. I know this feeling. It is the same that comes on opening night, waiting in the wings, mouth dry, heart racing. It's an excitement; a delicious anticipation mingled with sheer terror.

Much of the anxiety over him...still...is that I don't know what we are. Are we just casually dating? I know that I have no desire to date anybody else. But is he? Has he? Are we inching toward boyfriend and girlfriend status? Is he one of those committment-phobes that doesn't believe in labels? Do I even need a label?

The doorbell.

I don't need a label. I need a drink.

I step outside and he is standing there, too dashing for words, in his suit and smile. (He ended up meeting with a new client at the end of the day and left the office just in time for our date). His first words? "Hello lovey. You look cute. And it's a Wednesday. Can you stand it?" (He did notice).

The Chicago wind is whipping the trees and he pulls me to him, wrapping me in the warmest of hugs, our cheeks pressed together. We are standing that way when suddenly my next-door neighbor steps out onto his porch - his porch that is so close it's practically a Siamese twin to my own porch. We both start to giggle, caught in an act of PDA. I try to free myself from his nuzzling noose, but he just holds me tighter, determined to turn me into the harlot of my block. Look at that shameless hussy canoodling out in the open for everyone to see!

Soon we're off in his trusty truck and he confesses that, for the first time ever, he doesn't have a plan for the evening. I can hardly blame him, considering he's been battling the flu bug of the century for the past three days, spiking to a fever of 104.5, sleepless nights, hectic days. It's a wonder he's alive, let alone there with me now. I'll take the man over a plan any day.

We drive, and along the way I'm telling him about The Weed and how funny it is that he popped up after so many weeks. The Dashing Litigator admits to having some old dates resurface in the past couple weeks, as well.

This is news.

I am holding his strong smooth hand, which is resting on my thigh and I turn to look at him. I'm wondering if he's been dating other people. I decide to act as though he has. And I decide to act as though this is totally cool. It is quite the Tony award winning performance. "Wow! Really? Well, ok. Am I at least in the top five?"

He laughs. "Pleeeeeease."

"Top 3?" I venture.

"Come on. But seriously, no. I can't date more than one person at once. I mean, there was a time when I could - and I did - but at this point in my life? No. I can't do it. I won't."

"Me neither."

And just like that we were dating. Exclusively. Ok, then. I smile and lean my head against the headrest, feeling some of my 'opening night jitters' wane.

Steps. I'm learning that relationships are a series of steps. Some small, some challenging. And over the next few days we will climb a little higher, take a few more: Sharing feelings, step - being vulnerable and revealing imperfections, step, step - meeting a small circle of his friends, including his best friend - STEP - the significance understood with the seemingly small purchase of a toothbrush, step - the addition of a carton of half and half in the refrigerator of a man who takes his coffee black, step, step - and tonight - the Dashing Litigator will be my date for a dinner party being thrown by my director. Every cast member is bringing their significant other, and for the first time in a long time - I, too, have someone rather significant to bring.

And that - for me, anyway - is another big step.

An Apropos Season (Part III of III)

Ever since the Dashing Litigator combed the internet to find my blog (needing scarcely a hair pick, I might add) read it, and left me feeling more naked, vulnerable and idiotic than I've ever felt in my entire life, I've been sitting here paralyzed. I take full responsibility for it's untimely unveiling. I was caught off guard, caught up in the moment, caught in the arms of the Dashing Litigator (arms that would make Fabio look like a prebuscent preteen, I might add) and I hiccupped...tossing my proverbial cookies all over his six-pack stomach. In just a few mouse clicks I had gone from the guise of a girl who has got it together, who still has a few great cards in her hand, to having them all dumped out on the table, completely crapped out. My gut instinct was to quash the thing entirely. Mayday! Mayday! Abort! She's goin' down in a flurry of curls and red feathers, taking a dating nose dive, crashing and burning, doooooomed!

The day that the Dashing Litigator exposed me and my dirty little black blogging-book was a dark one indeed. It was a particularly hellish day at work. We were in the throes of mediation madness and I spent the majority of it refilling coffee, picking up boxed lunches and engaging in forced-friendly chit chat with clients. I had much going on and was unable to tend to my own personal crisis. Throughout the day, the Dashing Litigator flooded my inbox with reassurance. He complimented me in dozens of ways on my writing style, encouraged me to continue - that he would not be able to live with himself if he were the cause of its demise, that he would not look at it ever again, and when I asked him point blank if this discovery had sent him running, he said:

Maybe running to. But not from.

It was enough. On our date Saturday night, he was to pick me up at 4:30pm for an evening that would include dinner and a ticket to my show. It was 4:32pm when he rang my doorbell. For those two minutes in between, I hyperventilated, paced, nearly vomitted, and almost called my mother - convinced that I really had scared him away. That I had revealed too much. I then recalled something my friend Brooke told me the day before: "Carrie, if he's the right guy, he won't be scared away. The right guy won't run."

When I opened the door to his handsome and smiling face, my heart felt hopeful. Relieved. He was there. He wasn't running away. But I still grabbed ahold of his hand, anyway - just in case. I still felt naked, foolish and in desperate need of some reassurance, but sucked it up and smiled, acting as though I wasn't at all phased by what he now knew. Over the course of the evening, a glorious, lovely evening - I received countless tokens of reassurance, bestowed upon me in a variety of caring, genuine and thoughtful ways as only the Dashing Litigator can do.

It was the internet that first introduced us. And now it has been the internet (in a rather embarrassing way) that has somehow brought this Crazy Actress closer to her Dashing Litigator. I'm wondering if this normally very open girl, should begin to keep some things sacred. I have the Dashing Litigator's blessing to continue my writing of our adventures, (he's actually been demanding that I continue) and his word that he will abstain from reading up on them. And I trust that.

But perhaps it is time that I keep 'this' private. Who really wants to read up on my mushy romantic ramblings, anyhow?

Who is even out there reading this? Thoughts? Opinions? Who are you? (I know who some of you are) Who are the rest?

P.S.
As I sat here to compose this blog (after first calling to check in on my dear Dashing Litigator who is in bed sick with the flu), my phone rang. It was The Dentist. (aka The Weed) The last time I heard from him was on the day before my first date with the Dashing Litigator, nearly 5 weeks ago. The Weed wondered who was 'supposed' to call. According to him, it had been a couple weeks and he was wondering. I engaged in mild chit chat before asking him if he'd ever heard the expression Strike while the iron is hot. He had.

"Well, " I said, "I would be the hot iron, and somebody else has struck. Repeatedly."

We wished each other well, and hung up. I promptly deleted him from my contact list in my cell phone - the fact that he was still there was merely an oversight. And besides, in this garden that I am slowly creating...this garden of friendships, life experiences, budding romance - there is definitely no longer any room for weeds.

A Recipe For Humiliation: (Part II of III)

To make this deplorable dish of Humble Pie you will need the following:

1 part Dashing Litigator
1 part Crazy Actress
Add to this duo 2 steins of German Beer.

Let sit in Brauhaus and marinade in a sauce of accordians, keyboards, muzak, saurbraten, and weinerschnitzel. Add a dash of 'Hilda', (our server) and a pinch of 'Mexi' (Germany's answer to John Tesh) for extra flavor.

After 90 minutes, transfer the two to Carole's Karaoke 'blender' to mix it up a bit. Throw in equal parts drama queens, rednecks, misfits and nightcrawlers.
Add to this any karaoke song that has a cat reference...for that seems to drive the pair into a tizzy of PDA.
Add 2 bottles of Bud Light.

Pour this mixture into a beautifully rehabbed pad - er pan and cook at 350 degrees for 2 hours. Be sure to add the red wine, dark chocolate, Frank Sinatra hits, slow dancing, moon watching and lip locking.

Watch closely.

You'll know the Dish of Humiliation is ready when the crazy actress begins to bubble and overflow. When she erupts with the words, "I have a dating blog and there is more than one post about you, dear dashing litigator."

Bon Apetit.


Me? I may just eat crow...or perhaps the egg that is on my face.

My Hero (Part I of III)

To say that yesterday was a bad day would be the understatement of the year. (See previous post). I commemorated the passing of my four legged friend by walking to Lake Michigan on my lunch break, sitting on a bench, watching the sailboats float by, holding a picture of my beloved Cole in my lap, listening to Sarah MacLachlan and sobbing. I returned to my desk, solemn and quiet. Just when I thought I had cried every last drop, my brother called me - weeping - from work, and then I was at it again, closing myself in the conference room, holding him in a long distance embrace from Chicago to Boston. An hour later I called my mom to check in with her - she was the saint who sat with our Colebaby as he fell asleep for the last time. She shared with me the details of Cole's final hours - his meal of scrambled eggies and bacon (his favorite), the two scoops of ice cream (he must've already been in heaven!) The absent minded veterenary assistant who greeted my mom and my dog with a too cheery "And what are we here for today?" The poem she read to him, how he licked her cheek, how she held his head in her hands and felt it grow heavy...then cold. Coming home to an empty doggie bed, a water dish, a now useless fenced-in 'dog run' on the side of the house. This loss is definitely one my family will feel for some time, and we will all deal with it in many different ways.

I cried my way through the rest of the day. My friend and coworker Jim couldn't help but laugh at me every time he passed. "What?" I snapped. "I'm sorry, " he said "It's just that everytime I pass by your desk, you're blowing your nose." I pouted and threw my soggy kleenex at him. All day, well meaning friends had emailed me their condolences, e-cards and text messages. And each one brought a fresh enslaught of the old water works.

At about 4:45pm I'd decided I'd had enough of this pity party. I shot the dashing litigator an email. I hadn't heard from him all day, but knew that he was in the throes of showing his house and making stellar court appearances. I sent him a very sarcastic email, bestowing myself with the "Debbie Downer of the Year" award for my day of depression...my trail of tears. He replied immediately, saying he had just arrived in the office and was I able to chat?

Minutes later I found myself back in the conference room, behind closed doors, but this time I was shaking with laughter...not convulsing with sobs. He allowed me to talk about Cole, to share what I was going through and offered his utmost sympathy. He never had pets growing up (he was allergic) but I so appreciated his sensitivity to me. He then asked if I would be alright for my performance that night.

"I don't have a performance tonight, " I said.

He then asked if anyone was going to cheer me up for the night and what my plans were. I told him I had planned to hit the gym, then hit the hay...as it had been 'a day'.

We hung up reconfirming our date for Thursday (that's right, folks, THURSDAY. The dashing litigator decided that seeing me on Saturday was not soon enough.) I returned to my desk and sent him an email thanking him for cheering me up.

But the dashing litigator wasn't finished bringing me cheer. Nor was he satisfied with waiting until Thursday to see the crazy actress. He asked to see me later that night, after we both had put in our miles on our respective treadmills at our respective gyms. I agreed.

At 8 o'clock I'm standing outside the Brownstone Tavern, holding my breath as my litigator steps out of his truck and literally 'dashes' across the street - wearing his now customary suit and tie - to greet me. He envelops me in the warmest of hugs and to say he is 'a sight for sore eyes' would be another understatment of the year.

What follows is the most perfect ending to a very emotional day. We sit outside...at first across from each other...then side by side (I'm so happy he notices the too far away physical distance between us). We talk and laugh and share and grew even closer.

I confess that I fear he will grow sick of me...with this evening being only 'Part I' of a three part dating week with the crazy actress. He assures me that this will not happen.

I feel close with him and completely myself. Holding his hand feels as natural as breathing. I feel safe, cared for, beautiful, adored. We talk 'past relationships' (a typically heavy topic) and I am relieved to hear that we are coming from very similar places.

The White Sox game is on...it is a tied game, bottom of the ninth...a crucial game. When the patio closes and we are moved inside, I suddenly find that we are surrounded by flat screen tv's and rowdy sports fans. A 'typical' guy would look past me, easily diverted by the moving balls and ticking clocks. But he is not typical. I excuse myself to use the restroom to give him time to watch his beloved team. When I re-enter the room, his eyes are on me and only me.

This feels nice. This feels safe. This feels good.

I'm wondering what Part II will have in store...

For Cole

Times Like This
A friendly face, the kind of face that melts you with a grin
The kind of eyes that welcome you the minute you walk in
A tender glance you simply can't refuse
At times like this, a girl could use
A dog

He listens when you tell him things - there's nothing you can't say
And unlike certain people, you can teach him how to stay
And if the world is giving you the blues,
He cheers you up by chewing up the news.
It's things like that, that make you choose
A dog

Other people need romance, dancing, playing around
Other people need constant fun - well I'm not one
I have my feet on the ground.

Give me
A quiet night, a stack of books - a tuna melt on rye
A simple walk together underneath a starry sky
And suddenly the night is something rare
And all because there's someone special there
Who's gazing at the views
His head upon your shoes.

It's times like this I sure could use...a dog.
__________________________________________________________

I love you, Cole. And I will miss you dearly.
You will always be a part of our family and I thank you for the many times you licked away my tears and cheered me up. You are the greatest dog ever and I'm so grateful that God chose us to be your family. x

Cancellation Blues

My head is throbbing and my heart is laden with heavy sighs. As I walk home from the train on this cold and grey day, it begins to rain...and I care not. Karen Carpenter sings a plaintive "Goodbye to Love" through my iPod as I trudge through the gloom and the damp and the wind, climbing the steps to my apartment.

The dashing litigator has canceled our date.

Early this morning he sent me an email asking how the opening of my show went. (Very well! In fact I just learned that we were "Jeff Recommended") He said he was feeling a tad sick but that we were still on for tonight.

An hour later he wrote: "Carrie, I am dying. Would you mind if we rescheduled for another night? Otherwise I anticipate that you will see the meal I just ate when I see you tonight." Eek.

Truthfully, I was not feeling so hot myself. We had an opening night reception and I had a bit too much of the bubbly and not enough zzzzz's. I probably wouldn't have been at my best. But I was still bummed to not be able to spend time with him.

Especially since it looks as though we won't be seeing each other until next weekend when he suggested he come see my show and then take me out afterward.

I was ok with these plans. I'm a bizzee gal, he's a bizzee guy. We are bizzee people with fabulous lives who are striving to make time for each other. Quite commendable, really. Quite grown up. Quite. Throughout the remainder of the day, however, my calm, cool, collectedness quickly slipped into doubt, depression and downright derangement.

I recalled a conversation I had only yesterday with my friend - the pants guy. He had all but convinced me that I was ridiculous for putting all of my dating eggs in one manbasket. That as long as I was on match.com and the dashing litigator was on match.com, he was dating other people and I should, too. I protested, "I cannot pursue more than one person at once! How can you adequately get to know someone if your focus is split?" He disagreed. "This guy may be into you, but if he's as great as you say he is, I'm sure he's seeing other people. This is Chicago. Why shouldn't he? And why shouldn't you?" I hung up feeling empty and wondering if he was right. We've only had a few dates and so far they've been so few and far between that perhaps we're not really going anywhere. Perhaps he's just not that into me.

My head began to swim, replaying every relationship I've ever had, especially the most recent ones in memory. My summer eharmony romance...I had thought things were going so well. I slapped that 'girlfriend' label on without hesitation and wore it proudly until it was ripped from my chest, taking a layer of skin with it, leaving me red and raw. And my winter wonderman...the impossible dreamer who was my warm, downy comforter wrapping me in a cozy cocoon for three bitter winter weeks in Chicago, before returning to his native Australia...taking his heat and my heart with him.

I lifted my head and stood tall. I was resolute. I will not go through this again, if I can help it.

I decided to go back onto match.com. I have been receiving emails from potential suitors (some of them quite fetching), but had been responding to each with a very courteous "Thank you, but I've just started seeing someone. Good luck to you." email. Now things had changed. With my friend's words and my own bruised ego fresh in my mind, I logged onto match.com. I read a very nice email from a seemingly nice guy and clicked to respond. I found it to be a rather arduous task. Quite simply, my heart wasn't in it. I strung together some mildly engaging sentences and clicked 'send'. I sighed. Idly, I searched for my dashing litigator's profile, wondering when he'd last been online, wanting to see his handsome faraway face.

And a curious thing happened.

I could not find him. I scanned through profile after profile, frantically, before finally entering his username. My jaw dropped at what I saw: This user has hidden his profile.

This means one of several things. He's not pursuing anyone on match.com. He's pursuing someone else. He's pursuing me.

And any of the above scenarios suits me just fine.

I will strive to be patient (a difficult task for an Aries) and to live my very full life here. I will be gentle with myself and with my friends - my friends who have listened to more than their fair share of my neurotic ramblings over the past couple weeks. I love you all and I thank you for wrapping me in hugs (choke holds?) and for providing me with your patience, your precious airtime minutes and sweet chocolate for this very single soul.

When things calm down for the dashing litigator and the crazy actress - when opening nights and house closings, court cases and weddings, family engagements and social obligations - are out of the way, hopefully this 'datingship' will be underway...and we can finally find a tranquil bay to really set sail.

Until then, I will find the joy in this unexpected 'dateless' Thursday night. Eating Chinese cashew chicken and watching Taxi with my roommate. Laughing, resting, reconnecting. Taking a hot bath and getting to bed early, catching up on much needed beauty sleep.

Could be better...but could definitely be worse.